Alive & Well

by Kyle

Less than a year ago I remember assuring a well-meaning counselor that shame and guilt about my sexuality and positive status were in no way an issue for me. After all, by my memory I'd been out of the closet for twenty-five years.

But they were. Very behind-the-scenes and subtle, yet nonetheless an issue. Somehow I thought that because I was out of the closet I was automatically all right. I accepted my sexuality, there was no denial, so how could there possibly be shame and guilt?

Enter AIDS.

And suddenly I had to start all over again. A casual come-on turned into an agonizing moral dilemma. Do I tell this guy I'm positive? If I do will he reject me? I don't have to tell him, we can have safer sex, that's all right. But wait. What happens if it turns out that I like him? Then I'd have to tell him. But then it'd be even harder because it would matter even more and then what would I do if he left? How can I possibly take that chance?

And for the first time in my life I'm impotent.

The problem was that for me being gay meant that I liked screwing around with other men. Being out of the closet meant that I could admit, when asked, that I liked screwing around with other men. Being gay and out of the closet meant that I went to the bars regularly, had a couple of drinks, socialized, and did my damndest not to

leave without someone attractive. It never dawned on me that there could be any more to it. Not until it wasn't so easy, that is.

And suddenly what was most obvious in my definitions was what was lacking. Without ever realizing it I had sold myself short. I had limited my entire existence to a sexual definition. The bars and baths were my community, drugs and alcohol were my spirituality, love was sex and compatibility was decided by looks.

Had I known then what I know now (and don't we all love it when that phrase applies to our own lives?), I would have been surprised had I not tested positive, rather than shocked that I did. I chose my partners indiscriminately, judging them by t their looks rather than any personally redeeming qualities. It amazes me today that I never even knew their last names let alone anything more about them. And of course all this occurred after a sufficient number of drinks to feel less inhibited, which also ended up meaning less responsible, and safer sex became much less important than that desperate need for sex sex. I was a walking example of unhealthy behavior without even knowing it.

What I did know was that despite of all of this I never felt satisfied. Like many

others in the era of AIDS it never dawned on me that there was more to being gay than acting out. Not until it was too late, that is.

Yes, AIDS is hitting us where it hurts the most, but the fact is that too many of us are leaving ourselves open to attack. When confronted with the realization that our sexuality puts us at high risk for AIDS we find ourselves shut down, celibate or in denial. And this is a terrible injustice to ourselves. Yes, our sexuality is very much a part of our identity, but it should be something that complements our livesnot consumes them.

In the same way, we sell ourselves short when we assume that safer sex is simply a matter of condoms. It is not. It is a matter

of self-respect. It's about taking care of ourselves. There is a hell of a lot more to each of us as individuals than the fact that we like to have sex with persons of our own gender and it's time we started celebrating the whole picture and not just the physical one.

Simply being out of the closet isn't enough. I know that this is a very big step and I am in no way discounting its importance nor the courage it takes to make it. What I am suggesting is that there's more to it. All too often we stop too soon and before we know it we've limited ourselves by the very definition that we used to liberate ourselves. Yes, we're standing up and telling the world that we're alright, that we're worthy and deserve respect. But simply saying it isn't enough. We need to

believe it down inside where it counts the most.

Just as we come to accept the right to be gay in this society, so do we also need to accept this freedom on a personal level. To allow ourselves to be truly real, not just out-of-the-closet real. To accept that, yes, we are gay and sexual, but we can also be gay and spiritual, we can be gay and intimate, we can be gay and a community in the personal as well as political sense of the word. We can be gay and whole, with a sense of security, harmony and pride within ourselves about who as well as what we are that will keep us healthy for life.

Next month's column will deal with HIVpositive sex.

November Living Room events:

HIV support group every Sat. at 6:30 Significant Others Group every Sat. at 6:30 Fri. 11/2 6:00 Healing Imagery Workshop Sun. 11/4 4:00 Healing Circle Fri. 11/16 Healing Sound workshop 6:00 Sat. 11/17 7:30 Video Night

Sun. 11/18 Grieving circle/workshop 4:00 Fri. 11/30 6:00 Massage for Healing workshop

Call 522-1998 for additional information.

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1392 Warren Rd. Suite 11• Lakewood

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November, 1990 LESBIAN GAY

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

Page 13

OF GREATER CLEVELAND

This space has been donated to the Center by the Chronicle, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Chronicle staff or management.

by Robert Laycock

It's hard to believe, but winter is just around the corner once again. They say time flies when you're having fun, and so we must be having a great time, right?

Centertainment. Participants in Centertainment certainly are. We invite you to join our merry band of Center fun-seekers as we embark on assorted adventures into the land of entertainment.

Groups are now being organized to see A Christmas Carol (yep, winter's here) at the Great Lakes Theatre Festival and Harvey at the Cleveland Play House. If you're interested, you can get on Centertainment's mailing list by calling 522-1999.

Each Wednesday is movie night. In coming weeks we'll be seeing Avalon, Jesus of Montreal and Godfather III. To find which film we're seeing this week, call the Lesbian-Gay Hotline at 781-6736.

Maryann Finegan Project. 79 bouncing Cleveland Police cadets participated in an 80-minute lesbian-gay sensitivity training session on October 8. This session included training in lesbian-gay hate crime intervention, and launched an expansion of a continuing police training component of the Maryann Finegan Project.

the

Session presenters included Center Director of Services Aubrey Wertheim and Howard Grandon. Their able assistants included Ray Triggs, Ray Zander and John Koncor. There was much discussion and interaction, and each police cadet received

a technical assistance packet to review. The Maryann Finegan Project needs volunteers to assist as buddies for victims of anti-gay violence. This is very important and rewarding work. Training for buddies starts November 6-call the Center to volunteer. If you see this after November 6, call anyway!

PRYSM Speaks Out. Jane Miller and Anthony represented Presence and Respect for Youth in Sexual Minority, the Center's youth group, on October 12 with a homophobia workshop at Lorain's Northeast Ohio Teachers Association in-service day. It was a great session as PRYSM continues its outreach to area schools and youth agencies.

Men In Touch. The next Men In Touch workshop series begins November 6 with an open "drop-in" forum. Men In Touch is a popular Center program focusing on male intimacy, communication and sexuality.

Each workshop series runs six weeks and is closed to new members during that period. But we'd love for you to join us! To get started, simply show up at the open forum November 6 and join the group.

It's a Stage... or will be again after January 1. It's holiday time, so we've sent the piano out to be tuned and are giving our voices a rest. See you next year.

It's an Office. And we think the most

interesting office, one of the busiest nerve centers of Cleveland's lesbian-gay community. If you enjoy people, have clerical skills and would like to serve the community, we need you.

The Center needs daytime volunteers to help staff answer the phones, type, file, do mailings, and greet visitors. If you're a senior, part-time student, or have free days from work, give us a call at 522-1999.

The office also needs donations of space heaters and two decent office chairs.▼

Come Experience Autumn in New England

Call now to make a reservation at any one of New England's beautiful bed & breakfasts before they're all booked up!

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References

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